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Q&A: How Does a Woman “Make Herself Known”?

Apr 18, 2015 | 2 Comments

by Motte Brown


I’m wondering how should I connect with guys (if at all) prior to their contacting me. Am I just too traditional for waiting for a guy to contact me first or am I biblically motivated to do so? I’ve noticed a lot of the women getting in contact with the guys first on their profiles and haven’t seen it the other way around.

Not that the girls on Marry Well are going after the guys per se. It’s mainly just small talk. But how can I get into the game when it’s uncomfortable for me to initiate contact? It’s really something I’m trying to grow in and understand better. I know it’s not sitting back and doing nothing, but what does “something” look like for the Christian woman?


It can be difficult for a godly woman to discern when she has crossed the line from making herself known to a man to actually pursuing him. And really, this question is something each woman has to personally submit to the Lord as she encounters intriguing eligible men in this community.

We’ve noticed that some women cast a wide net. They leave comments on walls and in the Lodge, and have ongoing conversations with various men. This can be healthy during the preparing stage. That’s not to say it can’t be abused, or driven by ulterior motives, but that on its face, there’s nothing wrong with a friendly hello. And in the Marry Well context, the easiest way to do that is by leaving a comment.

Still there are some personality types that just aren’t as comfortable putting themselves out there. And those women may feel, therefore, that they’re at a distinct disadvantage. It may be you’re shy and saying hello in person would be equally uncomfortable for you; it may be confusion over the difference between being friendly and taking it on yourself to pursue a man; it may be that you don’t want to open the door if you’re not absolutely certain it’s a good match.

Or it may be that you just need to know it’s OK to make yourself known. Be assured, it is OK.

We encourage the women of Marry Well to be proactive in searching profiles, wall conversations and Lodge chats where men in our community are interacting. As you read a guy’s profile and notice something intriguing or a common experience or a mutual interest, you may want to leave a comment to let him know. Leaving a comment on his wall draws his attention to your profile and gives God the opportunity to point him in your direction. Certainly God can open His eyes to you without saying a word. He’s all powerful. But this is a matter of stewardship of opportunity and a reminder that God works through means. It’s a lot like being motivated by kindness and a desire for friendly conversation to introduce yourself to a man at a party, church, or event. If you were to stay silent, he may introduce himself to you, but there’s no sin in being the first to say hello.

A word about shyness. One of the benefits of this online forum is that it’s easier to say hello in a comment than in person. This is a great opportunity for you to practice being the first one to “smile” and introduce yourself.

As you pray for God’s leading and direction, pray for mutual interest between you and a specific man. It is our hope and prayer for this community that God will clearly open and close doors for those that seek His will and allow Him to lead them into marriages that honor Him.

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