Marry Well

Addressing a sexual past

A girl who has been a virgin her whole life meets a great Christian man. Things seem to be going well, but she’s starting to wonder about his sexual past — what if he’s been with other women or had a problem with pornography? Should she ask these questions? And if so, when?

Dr. Russell Moore, Dean of the School of Theology at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, takes on this question on his blog. He addresses the timing of when to ask such a personal question in a dating relationship and steers the questioner toward more general discover early on.

Ultimately, Dr. Moore prescribes a humble and gracious approach summed up in this excerpt:

You are not “owed” a virgin because you are. Your sexual purity wasn’t part of a quid pro quo in which God would guarantee you a sexually unbroken man. Your sexual purity is your obligation as a creature of God. And you have rebelled at other points, and been forgiven. If you believe the gospel, you believe the gospel for everyone, and not just for yourself.

If your future husband is repentant, and forgiven, and yet you are “tortured” by the thoughts of his past, then the issue for you is one of personal pride and a refusal to see oneself as a gospel-forgiven sinner.

Dr. Moore’s response is Biblical, helpful and hopeful. He ends with the succinct, “Jesus was a virgin. His Bride wasn’t. He loved us anyway.”