You began messaging someone you met online or through an app. Messaging led to even more communication and that prompted you to meet in person. You planned the time and place and wondered how it would go. But meeting in person left you with more questions than answers. Now what?
In the previous installment, we offered suggestions for when neither of you feel motivated to keep exploring potential. Now we move on to Scenario #2.
Scenario #2: He/She is motivated…you’re not
When you met in person, you picked up a lot of cues that this guy or girl sees potential and would like to keep exploring a relationship together, but you’re not so sure.
If you’re not motivated because you discovered deal breakers (such as serious character problems, addictions, or unaddressed vices), then it’s understandable if you want to part ways (see last paragraph in Part 1).
But what if there were no clear deal breakers? What if you just didn’t feel any chemistry? At this point, many popular relationship experts would probably say, “move on.” And of course you have that option. But it might be worth giving this connection a second chance. Good marriages have formed after slow starts and happy couples have later expressed gratefulness for not giving up too soon. It may just be a matter of adjusting your expectations.
Don’t let the fear of someone getting hurt keep you from exploring a little further. Something got you this far, so see if it’s a good enough foundation from which love could grow. Focus on seeing if that potential is there.
Here are a few ways you can do that:
- Take a minute to read “When to Settle” and pray about how it might apply to your situation (while this article was written for women, its principles are still valuable for men).
- Think back to your initial connections. What was working? What did you have in common?
- Talk through your initial connection and your meeting with a mentor or someone else you respect.
- Ask this person’s friends or family what they like about him or her.
- Consider meeting again, but with another couple that can give you feedback after your time together.
How much effort should you put into giving someone a second chance? You definitely don’t want to just keep a relationship on life support if you don’t see love growing. It helps to think about the story you’ll be telling later. Good marriages that started slow typically had a point at which something changed. The husband or wife looks back and says, “I didn’t think there was any potential there, until …” That’s what you’re looking for.
If you’ve re-evaluated your expectations, reflected again on what was working to begin with, sought more perspective from the people around you, and you’re still not seeing growth potential, then your initial impressions have likely been confirmed. It’s probably best to politely bring it to an end (once again, see last paragraph of Part 1) .
But, who knows…your unexpected love story may be just beginning.
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